A dated, cheesy, nostalgic popcorn flick that I wouldn’t waste a free popcorn voucher for, Snake Eyes explores Henry Golding’s ascension into… “action” hero status taking on the titular G.I. Joe character’s origin story??

(Nah, homie is charming and all that, but his charisma completely depleted in this role.)

The screenplay, introduction of characters, situational quips between characters, score, and cinematography felt like an amalgamation of every early-2000s spy/action film cliche under the sun, which offered limited originality or thrill.

I hit a watch-check at the 15-minute mark, bruh.

Snake Eyes was unforgiving and exhausting to say the least. I was engaged and wanted to keep up with the fast-paced editing during the early fight scenes, but the direction was immediately bizarre and highlighted issues in the frumpy (and laughable) choreography.

The ensemble cast was adequate, but seemed to lack on-screen chemistry. Golding was a decent lead, but he wasn’t the most interesting character in his own movie—that medal goes out to Scarlett (Samara Weaving). 🏅

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Also, a small detail but it drove me absolutely insane—the Microsoft 1998 WordArt orange and goldenrod block font used for the English subtitles!!! 🤢 🤢 🤮 Bruh, why? Were there no other options?! Was this supposed to be an animated film?!!!

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Had they reworked the screenplay into an action-comedy, and leaned into its dated cinematography, acting, and directing style, it probably could’ve worked! But for now, take this Randy Jackson…

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The best parts where the establishing shots in new geographic locations: dope sweeping camera motions and the cinematography was crisp. 👌🏾👌🏾👌🏾